Running on Empty …
How Journaling Kept Me Going!
It’s been almost 4 months since my mother died, and I realized yesterday that in an 18 month span, I had a lot thrown onto my shoulders creating unimaginable stress. It’s a wonder I don’t want to run away – but right now, I’d be running on empty.
It all began in December 2012, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer; had cancer surgery in January 2013; in February dealt with 2 months of intense physical therapy to relieve the ancillary cording in my left arm as a result of the surgery; in April, I changed my part time job; in June Mom asked if she could move in with me (she was 99 and could no longer live alone), and I published Secrets I Learned from Ordinary House Cats; in July I began packing and coordinating 2 house moves – mine and my mother’s, I also published another book 29 Things To Do; in August I moved out of my 1 bedroom apartment and down the hall into a 2 bedroom 2 bath corner apartment to accommodate my mom moving in (I had lived in my 1 bedroom apartment for 10 years and I remember writing a blog about leaving that apartment)… a week after I moved, I moved my mother in (she relocated 65 miles leaving New Jersey and becoming a Pennsylvania resident); the next few months were an adjustment to living with someone – after all I have lived alone since 1976!; I had been coordinating my grade school reunion for a Sunday lunch in November of that year; participated in 2 craft shows (was making journals and preparations in Sept/Oct), and published Journal to a More Creative Self; and enjoyed Thanksgiving and Christmas with mom in the house.
When January 2014 rolled around, we had snowstorm after snowstorm, and mom was showing signs of trouble – screaming in the middle of the night, and hallucinating as she napped during the day; February 7th we had a major power outage and by the second night without heat and electricity, her hallucinations were uncontrollable and I called for an ambulance. She spent the next week in detox and then six weeks in rehab; she came home for her 100th birthday party that I coordinated – more like a family reunion with TV coverage and cards from the President. After her 100th birthday, mom started to really decline. She was released from rehab to come home in April but her kidneys were showing signs of dramatic decline. Care for her increased and I pulled back my hours at my part time job.
In May we made plans to attend her great-grandson’s 4th birthday party (a 1-1/2 hour drive each way); Mother’s Day we took a ride to her favorite beach town – Ocean City, NJ were I wheeled her along the boardwalk in her wheel chair. We were both happy yet sad – happy because she never thought she would see Ocean City again, and sad because we both knew it was a matter of time and she would be gone. We had the discussion so many times. And more recently, discussions about making sure everything is in order, anything else you want to do or see, let’s do it. Ocean City was the icing on the cake for her.
Four days later her kidneys failed and she was in and out of the emergency room twice before being admitted with kidney failure and sepsis (the toxins entering the bloodstream). It was fatal and I had to tell her it was fatal. We talked about whether she wanted to stay in the hospital and die or go home and die. She chose the hospital. We called everyone to say goodbye. The next day she went on hospice, family started arriving and we sat the “death watch” for 10 days before she died quietly on May 28th.
My job as her Power of Attorney in an instant turned to Executor of her estate. And the responsibilities of distributing her assets per her will began with a blink of the eye. Her body wasn’t even cold and I had arranged for the funeral home to pick her up; my brother, sister and I wrapped up the obituary and selected a photo for the newspaper all within 2 hours of her being gone. And the next morning we caravanned the 65 miles to Vineland, NJ to begin arrangements for her funeral and burial. Once she was buried, I returned home to start cleaning out her room, disposing of unwanted furniture and belongings, rearranging the extra space in the apartment and of course probating her will.
As, I look back across that 18 months, I had many major life events – cancer, moving, death of my mother along with coordinating 2 reunions – the grade school and 100th birthday/family party; changed part time job and released a couple of books. How on earth did I keep all that together? So I can see why I want to run away, why I just want to play and relax, and not be responsible at this point. I would almost prefer to just disappear and recharge, go somewhere and just “be” …
So, it becomes obvious, that I need a trip to the ocean – where I often go to recharge on the east coast. A walk on the beach to be with my thoughts, ponder life, and not necessarily make any decisions except to breathe. What’s next? Where do I go from here? That’s a good question, and to visualize it, I need a picture, and I don’t even know what it looks like. I scramble, run – here and there, and then get lost in mindless details that distract me, take me away from center. I cry. How did I do all that? How did I keep everything together in my life during that 18 month crazy ride? I know the one grounding force in my life during all this was journaling. You ask, “Where did I find the time to journal?” Ha! Where did I find the time to do all the other stuff that was on my plate? The other grounding force was my friends including God.
Now I feel the emotional pain, grief stricken at times and then fine. Now after all these months, I sit and stare or take 2 and 3 walks a day. Now I say, enough is enough, can I fill up and run away? I feel like I spin my wheels, but I’m really standing still, exploring options, seeing what fits, what feels good, and what I want to keep. My writing is the only thing that circles back that comforts me. It’s another wall I hit and say, it’s OK, just trust God and keep writing. Like my last 3 books – all written long ago and published in 2013.
So, I have decided to stop running on empty and just keep writing … to fill up and start anew.
Rosemary Augustine – Author
