Rosemary Augustine

Every year we find the mad rush to Christmas which begins the day after Thanksgiving and seems to subside by Christmas night.  Gifts, cards, trees, ornaments, cooking, baking, and visiting.  Days are shorter and our time is even less with so many more things added to get done in time for Christmas. I did, however, find time to paint the above picture of evergreens for some of my cards.

When Christmas Cards start arriving, the annual Christmas Letter is often enclosed detailing the year’s happenings within the family.  Often we receive letters from those we don’t see throughout the year.  Then you wonder if some of the information is really true.

My friend Gerri Lambert recently sent me a Christmas Letter as a spoof on the famed enclosure many of us receive.  I loved it so much I asked her if I could include it on my Blog.  If you want a really good laugh this holiday season please read on.  You’ve often heard me say you can’t make this stuff up?  Well, she wrote a letter about a fictitious family and addressed it to friends, and then she wrote the real truth to a fictitious sister.  If you need a break from all the Holiday Hoopla, take a few minutes and wander off into the land of fiction and enjoy the following Christmas Letters.  I hope you get as much laughter out of it as I did.  Many thanks to Gerri for her writing these Christmas Letters.  Enjoy!

And, OH! … Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Winter Solstice, and Happy Kwanzza!

Rosemary Augustine

Dear Friends,

What a wonderful year for our family!

After graduating with a triple degree in art history, economics and tax accounting, this year our Michael decided to go on to law school and was accepted to Harvard. Michael wants to study tax law and follow in his grandfather’s footsteps. We are so blessed.

Our Ann has moved to New York City to start her career in the theatre! After studying in France, Ann has decided America is the place for her to express her art. We can’t wait to visit her and see the New York the way the locals see it! We are so lucky.

Instead of attending a local “public” high school, our youngest has decided to attend a very lovely old school in Pennsylvania. The school is full of history and has very well known alumni. Johnny just couldn’t find a way to express himself in public school, it stifled him – he needs a one-on-one atmosphere to bring out his talents.

I won’t bore you with all the twins adventures – at the moment, they are studying in Italy. As you know they are both fluent in three different languages. You wouldn’t recognize them now; they have grown so much. More about the twins in our 4th of July up-date.

Jack spends a lot of time in Washington at his job as an elected official — and he is running again! You just can’t stop him. I’m sure you are keeping up with Jack’s accomplishments in the newspapers. He is a one-man army against the drug trade. You can’t keep a good man down!

I stay at home and tend the home fires. How lucky I am to have such a devoted husband. We keep in touch hourly via cell phone, which allows us to share every hour of our day with each other – and of course, when Jack is home we spend every minute together.

Jack’s only sister has come to live with us now that I’m an empty nester. What a joy she is to me. I can’t think what I would do without her and her friends.

If you don’t see me around town in our old “Woody,” it’s because I spend lots of time at the church doing volunteer work helping those in need. I always include my friends in my daily prayers.

Merry Christmas and God bless You All!

Ethel, Jack and the Kids

Now, Ethel sent this letter to all her friends, however, she sent a different one (the truth) to her sister. Read on…

Dear Sis,

This has been a hell of a year! I didn’t think things could be worse than last year, but this year was a doosy! I consider myself lucky just to get this off my chest.

That fool of a son of ours has finally finished school after eight years. Now he wants to go to law school. Not only does he owe thousands in school bills, he owes his girlfriend’s family for supporting him and their two kids all these years. He is just like Jack’s no good father, the ex-con who didn’t believe in paying taxes.

Ann was thrown out of France and three other countries in Europe for vagrancy on the streets. (And people wonder how Americans got a bad name over there.) She is now on the road with a group of hippies; God only knows where she will show up. Don’t attend any Playhouse Theaters lest you run into her! Last I heard, she is living with some guy in New York City. (Like father, like daughter.) Hopefully, I will be long gone by the time she is off drugs.

John was hauled off to reform school — again. I told them, that’s it – don’t let him out until he is twenty-one. Hopefully, I will be long gone.

The twins are living in South Philly in some “i-talian” neighborhood. Both are pregnant and expecting to deliver around July. Hopefully, I will be long gone by then. The two of them are still speaking with an English accent since that two-week school trip to England they took in Junior High. They were making decent money doing Rap, but that ended when they started to show. The two of them are as fat as fools (after Jack’s side of the family, of course).

Since Jack got laid off he landed a job as an undercover agent in D.C. He has made some great contacts with corporate heads and a number of people in the government. But it doesn’t seem to be doing him much good, they make promises, but he doesn’t see them after he does them a few favors. Because he is undercover, I don’t really don’t know where he is living, but we talk often on the phone. Our little plan to get new identities is still in the works. Jack says it will work because people will think his sister is really me and no one will guess I have gone on to a new life. He says it will happen any day now, just as soon his sister gives him is rightful inheritance. Then, I’ll be out of here.

Jack’s only sister, Edna, is a bitch. She doesn’t spend a dime. She blames me for the family mess. Doesn’t she see her own three kids are losers too! Her boyfriend is a pain, always rubbing my back – he isn’t worth a dime, but he is a good listener.

I’m checking groceries trying to make ends meet until I make my get-a-way. I have to drive three towns over so no one will recognize me. My tires are bald and I don’t know how much longer the car will hold out.  Sis, pray for me.

Ethel

P.S.  If you don’t hear from me, I am away, living under a new name in my new life – without Jack and the kids.

Gerri Lambert is a freelance writer and the author of “Ireland, Ye’re Ingrained in Me.”  Her book is written under the pen name of Geraldine O’Gorman and is a series of short stories about an Irish family in 1950s Ireland.  It can be found on Amazon.com.  She makes her home in Wayne, PA and can be reached at mischrl@comcast.net.

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