An Unexpected Christmas Gift
When you learn a friend is diagnosed with Breast Cancer just before Christmas, all kinds of things go through your head… getting a mammogram is one of them. Yet, it appears your friend did all the right things… she eats healthy; exercises; always in a good frame of mind; is active and healthier than most. While you may be all worried, your friend may not. She feels she’s in good hands with the best doctors, along with working on staying healthy, exercising, and releasing deep rooted anger and resentments that she probably doesn’t want to share with you.
How do you support someone like your friend during such a stressful and for some life-threatening time? Here are some ideas, maybe you can add to it.
*Your friend wants love and support at this time. Be a friend, don’t be her mother. Let your friend come forth with answers to questions you may want to ask. Be open to just being with her – some call it “being in the moment.”
*No Drama Please. Now is not the time to call her with your drama. Save that for someone else.
*No Lectures either… she probably gets that from her family and if she can muster the emotional strength, she will limit that discussion with anyone and everyone.
*Consider gentle suggestions like “hey the other day I was reading about …. you think that might help at any point?” rather than saying “well if I were you, I would do…”
*A phone call is always welcome… however, be in the moment when you call. Give her your full attention. Be focused on the call and on your friend. Listen to her and what she is saying, don’t ask so many questions that you want answers to, simply because she may not have the answers right now.
*When calling, remember you are probably one caller of about 20 that she may have already gotten today. Be gentle, comforting, and be calming with your voice.
*It is most important when you call to NOT be driving or on your way somewhere and then get caught in the phrase “I thought I would call for a minute while I’m driving… oh shit the traffic is awful… let me call you back.”
*Send an email, card or letter… and include an article of interest (but not about her cancer); send something that would make her laugh, a joke or comic strip; even a quote or thought for the day.
*Show concern in a loving way but please release your fears around her condition. Yes she has breast cancer and Yes she feels strongly she will live and come through this a better person – cancer free.
*And Yes, she has probably come to terms with the fear of dying and knows she will one day, but not this way. So it is important NOT to hear Fear in YOUR voice since that fear is often your own fear of death. Funny how these things reflect back to us.
*Be gentle with your friend, make sure you’re not asking questions where she has to constantly justify why she is doing something her way and not your way.
*Know that she is comfortable – sometimes even being alone. Also know she will reach out when she wants help or just wants to hear your voice.
*Lastly, when you offer to help, offer what you are willing to help with. Her neighbor said recently, “I can drive you to the doctor if you want me to.”
Your friend is probably overwhelmed right now with the scheduling of appointments prior to surgery and post surgery schedules of more appointments and radiation five days a weeks for six weeks or more. Offer to make lunch or dinner at her place or bring her the kind of food She eats; shop for her; go for a walk with her; bring her a magazine or read her a special quote you found.
Most importantly, tell her you love her – Every Time – and how together we are going to get through this with flying colors… then make plans to do so.
Somehow, this is a Christmas Gift that eventually will truly be a Gift!
XXX
